Poetry
Reading poetry is like reading a book. The only difference is: books tell stories, and poems tell feelings.
i hope you know
that you never
deserved what they did to you.
when you decided to
go off and steer our ship all on your own—
did you know that it was going to sink?
did you know that
you wouldn’t be the only one to drown?
you tell your body to move, and it just doesn’t.
you tell your negative thoughts to stop, and they just don’t.
you tell yourself to block the punches, and your body just won’t.
you take the hits, and you wonder why you can’t move.
you feel like a greek statue forever still and unchanging—
but, in reality, you’re always getting better.
you may not trust yourself yet, but you can trust the process.
be scared.
be nervous.
be uncomfortable.
be sore.
be broken—
how embarrassing is it to be so entitled that we believe that we should
always
be perfectly comfortable.
try something new.
anything.
don’t be the person who stopped trying
new things
just because they’re not a kid anymore.
keep fighting.
hold your ground.
keep your guards up.
even when you’re scared.
even when you’re drowning in sweat.
even when you’re tired.
especially when you’re tired.
keep fighting.
i know it hurts,
but it’s also:
building your strength
making your faster
enhancing your abilities
increasing your endurance
building your confidence
making you better
the world doesn’t need
more yes men.
it needs
more no people.
draw some damn boundaries.
we’d sit in the shower
together—
until the water got cold.
i will not allow
myself to be afraid
not in my own god damn life.
sipping warm, sweet coffee
from the sweet, warm mug you gave me.
sitting on the patio,
breathing in the cool morning air,
noting the dew on the grass
and the sounds of the dogs collars
and the feeling of the slight breeze.
wondering who i am today,
and if i will live up to the best parts of you.
the narcissism
of a man who
can’t possibly fathom
that someone might not like him.
of a man who
tells you that
everything you feel is
nothing more than imagination.
of a man who
is always loud and blunt
even at the expense
of others.
the narcissism
of people like that
is the biggest red flag there is.
and so,
i thought it destroyed me.
who would’ve thought
that which was meant to destroy
would only create
a resolutely, relentlessly beautiful life.
integrity isn’t just
doing the right thing even
when no one is watching
it’s doing the right thing
as if the most important
people in your world
are watching.
what would you be
proud for them to see.
you can only control
so much.
let it go.
it takes a heap of cruelty
and not only withstanding it
but conquering it too
so that you can become
who you’re supposed to be.
stop allowing yourself
to mindlessly scroll through
dozens and hundreds of
of posts, videos, snippets
just to forget most of them
when the hours are up.
your mind deserves
rest.
you are the perfect combination
of all that’s good
and gentle.
you are strong, but soft.
you always hold me up
without even hesitating.
you are kind
but stand firm with your boundaries.
even when the whole world
is grasping at straws.
he looks at me
like he’s utterly
enthralled
by my presence,
as if I were a
physical manifestation of everything he’s ever wanted and all that he’s ever deemed good and beautiful and warm.
instead of
feeling grateful and felicitous,
my response
is silently pleading
and hoping to myself
that he never
stops looking at me this way- my response is fear.
you can marry someone you love.
you can build a life with
someone who is good to you.
you can fall in love.
you can be everything to somebody.
but, in the end,
if they’re not your soul mate,
it’s not worth it
and it will end.
if you give yourself the chance to actually find your soul mate,
it won’t ever end.
not even for a second
and it will be deep into the core of your very being.
any two people can get date
or get married
or make out
or have a moment.
but only two souls can be mates.
stop being so hard on yourself
stop picking apart what you said
stop replaying small actions over and over again
stop criticizing what you can’t control
stop wallowing and not changing what you can
stop wishing you were different
stop wishing that life had treated you more fairly
stop contrasting yourself to others
stop reliving the same traumas
stop thinking about your shortcomings
stop thinking about what you could have been
stop refusing to believe the glaring truth; that you’re doing absolutely great.
it seems that life is actually moving quite slowly,
and i’m always trying to go faster.
i’m missing moments
and calling it ambition,
but I’m actually just afraid
of the possibility of losing myself in the present,
when the past haunts me
and the future calls to me
meanwhile, the present is here.
i still have nightmares
about my ex.
i still have visions
of my dogs being brutally attacked.
i still miss my brother.
i still believe every person
who loves me is capable of
of turning into a
completely different person and hurting me.
i still question my
intellect after feeling so naive.
my life is beautiful,
and wonderful and so generous,
but my heart is still broken.
and i have to lift every piece of it
everyday.
we were just friends.
and one day,
he looked at me differently,
instead of a glance,
it was a stare that held my body
and my eyes,
instead of not touching me at all,
it was a hand on my waist
that lingered,
instead of a short conversation,
it was questions, details, and interest
for hours on end,
instead of being just friends,
i knew i could never not
be in love with him again
for the rest of my life.
as a teacher,
i look into the eyes
of kids everyday
and truly know that they
have such potential to be amazing people.
as a teacher,
i work long hours to create lessons,
grade papers, develop discipline
and classroom management.
as a teacher,
i love what i do and
i love that i get to make a difference
everyday in the lives of kids.
as a teacher,
i am disrespected daily
by admin, students, parents,
or whoever may be looking
for someone to blame.
as a teacher,
i get to make connections
with young people and
be a good influence on them.
kids can always use another
adult in their lives to love them.
as a teacher,
i am afraid almost everyday
that something out of my control
will happen, and there’s
nothing i can do.
as a teacher,
i get the best and most sincere
“thank you’s” from my sweet kids
and their parents.
as a teacher,
i am not allowed to teach
certain books that have been banned
or discuss certain topics from history
that have been censored.
as a teacher,
i have the responsibility of
“in loco parentis”-
taking care of children as if i was their parent
when they are at school,
and i take this very seriously.
as a teacher,
i love what i do,
and i am good at it.
as a teacher,
and on behalf of all teachers,
let us teach.
crying into a Chuy’s napkin,
tears streaming down my freckles
wondering if he ever really
meant it when he held my hands in his face
and said he loved me.
it’s rarely as deep as you think.
that wound that feels eternal
and like it will always hurt.
like it was a personal violence
that had something to do with you
or even because of you.
it doesn’t.
a person was just hurt by their own self
and you were in the crossfire.
i learned that green flags
don’t just cancel out the red ones.
i learned that i deserve more
in a relationship
than having to justify
the way he yells and lies
and always puts himself first
i learned that i deserve better.
closure comes from within
it’s not tangible or external.
it’s not something you can plead for
or get through another person.
closure is what happens when you
use your own strength to hold the pieces of your heart together
without relying on someone else to.
Shakespeare didn’t know
That his writing would be worshiped
And read and studied and reread
Five hundred years after his death,
But he wrote anyway.
when your sweatpants feel extra soft,
and your coffee tastes extra good,
and your bed feels extra cozy,
and you remember that life
really is about the little things.
life can be hard and painful enough
with the things we can’t control,
so when there is something
that we can do to make life better,
we should absolutely do it.
too many people choose to make it worse
for themselves.
my standards were too low,
and when even they weren’t met,
i made the mistake of forgiving
too quickly,
and loving too much.
it’s easy to forget you’re drowning
when you’ve convinced yourself
that the ocean wouldn’t dare let you sink.
a friend once told me this,
and i am writing it here
so that she can see it again when she needs it:
“when i do meet the person that i’m
going to marry and love
forever,
it is going to be so perfect.
people are going to look at us and say
‘she is so loving and so loved’”
i have been addicted to sadness.
it’s easier, i think.
it’s easier than working really fucking hard toward happiness
and being so incredibly scared of failing
to just be sad
and to sit in the comfort of your self pity.
the chaos of my soul
seems to only ever find rest
in the presence of you.
there is absolutely
nothing in this world
that feels like your lips on mine.
This Kind of Love
i will never forget when he said
“i might believe in a god
because that’s the only way I got you.”
Red Wine Reserve
you are so worth it all- everything you have worked for.
you will overcome this hardship,
and mostly
your strength will age beautifully,
but you must give it
time.
Testament
the way he spoke to me proves how he felt.
the screaming at me when i dropped a cup of water,
it really shows how he felt.
the harshly grabbing at my arm in a fit of anger,
it’s obvious.
i didn’t see it then. the testament of love.
of a very shitty, lacking, naive love.
i see it now. it haunts my dreams even still
to think it was so obvious, and, yet, i continued to miss it,
until it was plastered everywhere.
Scoob
and much like an episode of Scooby Doo,
the gang and I are always in utter shock
that the bad guy rips off his mask,
once he is caught of course,
only to reveal it was the least suspecting,
most innocent seeming character— friend,
all along.
The Sun and The Moon
She shined most of the time,
Other times, she hid herself away.
Whether she was shining or not,
He was there in her sky.
In the times she didn’t shine,
He did it for her,
Until she was ready to shine again.
And when he couldn’t do it bright enough,
He recruited stars for help.
And when their brightnesses met,
The sky became every color,
Like cotton candy or a used painters’ palette,
It was the whole galaxy.
Bad Things Happen All The Time!
And you know what else happens all the time?
People stay bitter and sad and scared
Knowing damn well that they could move on and be happy if they’d just let themselves.
Metamorphosis
Rarely is life about stories,
It’s about the way they’re told.
Too Many of The Men in My Life
Narcissists don’t ever actually go higher,
They never “rise above,”
Their finish-line pedestal never actually gets any taller,
So, instead,
They see other people’s pedestals
Some higher and some lower than their own,
And they pound them down with an axe,
Until their own pedestal looks a little taller,
But never actually is.
And they don’t own up to it,
They’ll wonder who could have done such a horrible thing
To their competitors’ lives.
The worst part
Is that they never come to the obvious realization
That most of those people
Were never even playing in their game.
They were just there,
Doing their best,
Now struggling,
Because the narcissist couldn’t win
And still didn’t.
Be Brave
You touch a rose,
And a thorn pokes you.
You pick up a piece of paper,
And you get a paper cut.
You fall off a jet ski,
And you get injured.
You pet a dog,
And it bites you.
You fall in love,
And your heart breaks.
You lift a box,
And you hurt your back.
You cook dinner,
And the stovetop burns your finger,
You trust the world,
And it really fucking hurts you.
But the world is still there,
And so are you.
Don’t give up on it.
How brave it is not to give up on it.
Spring Ooey Gooey Goodness
-
Plants go through
Storms and stomping feet,
Freezes and heat waves,
Animal shit and sometimes people shit too,
And yet they grow back.
They don’t need you or anyone
To tell them when they’re ready to grow.
They just fucking bloom.
-
As tulips move
To reach the direction
Of the sun,
Move.
-
when I had only ever seen weeds,
that’s what I thought I wanted,
what everyone else seemed to have,
what can be sometimes frustrating,
but still pretty too,
they grow everywhere, and they’re easy.
weeds.
when I finally opened my eyes and looked around,
I saw roses,
lilies,
jonquils,
wild flowers,
blue bonnets,
chrysanthemums,
tulips,
sunflowers,
and so many more,
open your eyes.
The Order of Things
fuck their timeline.
college
marriage
career
buy a house
kids
grandkids,
that’s not everyone’s life.
tragedies happen.
life happens.
good shit happens.
amazing things happen.
horrible things happen.
you rebuild.
you heal.
you embrace things.
you make mistakes.
you work hard.
you struggle.
you smile.
and at the end of the day,
if you consciously lean toward the good stuff,
your life will be good.
No More Shame
I used to think
I knew exactly what I wanted.
But I was wrong.
But now,
I know for sure
Exactly what I don’t want.
And I have to trust myself in that.
And forgive the old me for not knowing any better
Because I do now.
Caribbean
Whether you’re sitting in a corner
Crying and holding your knees to your chest
Or you’re smiling
And laughing and dancing,
If the ships going to sink,
It’s going to sink.
Regardless.
If the worst is going to happen,
It’s going to happen.
Divorce
The hardest part
Was realizing that
The person you loved with all your
Heart
Didn’t love you
With all of their
Heart.
After
Your eyes remain tired, your stomach twisted, your chest weighed down, your heart heavy-
Even years after the divorce-
It can feel like you just got done crying
The sudden, unexpected detachment,
The literal and metaphorical breaking of your heart,
The distance between you and everyone else,
The gaping hole in your life and soul.
Divorce is a heavy weight
Your arms are shaking now, but they will grow stronger.
Anguish
Inspired by Brene Brown’ s definition of “anguish”
Anguish comes from the ground.
It pulls you forcefully
By your bones.
Taking your breathe away for itself,
As it yanks you downward.
And when you think you have defeated it,
And that it has retreated for good,
It comes back, less powerful each time,
Pulling you down to your knees once again.
Priorities
I always wish I had more time
To paint pretty things
To read good books
To write real poetry
But the thing is,
We make time for what we really want to,
And 9 times out of 10
We are just too nervous to make the time for what we want.
We fear disappointment.
We are scared the painting will be ugly
Or the books will be bad
Or the poetry will seem fake.
And so we don’t make the time
And instead the time makes us
And in the end, we are staring at a wall.
Artisan
People often think
Of those with tattoos as
Tough or hard
But I can’t think of anything more vulnerable
Than literally
“Wearing your heart on your sleeve.”
Covering your body
In permanent images and words
That encapsulate everything that you are.
Describe Your Feelings Below:
Parts of me feels too full
Other parts too empty.
Some too loud.
Others too quiet.
No part of me seems to be just the right amount. It’s all overwhelming and underwhelming and disappointing and complicated and tired.
Mostly, I’m tired.
To The Soto-Garcias
There is lava that comes from mountains,
And fruit that grows on trees,
And mini human beings made from the bodies of women,
And a God who created us.
The miracles of the world are many,
And yet, a miracle that is still so unfathomably gorgeous
Is my love for you and your love for me.
Post-Trauma
When the cage door
Finally opens
And everyone urges you to come out
Saying “it’s safe now,”
And you want to step out
And you know it’s safe
And that everything you want is right there
Outside of the cage.
But instead you sit down
And you settle in
Because you’re too scared
That if you step out,
You’ll get shoved back in.
Texas Two Step
But, like my grandma always says,
“Would your rather stand there,
Or would you rather dance?”
Driving to Work
My hometown sucks,
But every morning,
When the sky is pink,
There are a lot of birds on the wires.
Advice From a Mother to Her Daughter
“You have to believe in the rainbows and shit, Lacy.”
-my mom
Happy New Year
From a selection of forgiveness letters I wrote to help relieve the weight of something heavy. 2022, I’m looking forward to what you will bring, and I will stop being afraid,
To myself,
I forgive you for not knowing that your husband was doing horrible things when you weren’t looking.
I forgive you for trusting him with your life, because you believed it was love and were doing what a good wife does.
I forgive you for not knowing how to be treated due to a lack of experience in and witnessing happy and successful relationships.
I forgive you for making the decision to marry someone that ultimately wasn’t your person and up to where your standards are now.
You always see the best in people— that isn’t a trait you should keep trying to rid yourself of.
Don’t lose the best parts of yourself trying to understand the worst parts of others.
Trust that you have learned from your past, and stop being afraid to trust yourself again. You are marvelous.
Me.
Something Really Cool
“When I look back and think about it, there’s not another soul I would’ve been happier with”
- my gramma about my grandpa (married for 50+ years)
Choices
What I love so much about you
Is that you don’t see good things as optional.
Or maybe you do
But you always choose “yes” for yourself.
And most people don’t.
You see a successful career, and say
“Yup, I’m gonna do that.”
You see a good, romantic, secure relationship
And you do it.
You see that you can either get upset
Over something small
Or choose your battles wisely and be peaceful.
And you always choose the latter.
I love you for your insistence on
Joy and ease and fun and good, genuinely good, things.
You treat all of life’s decisions as if there is an obvious choice or no choice at all-
Including me.
The Day I Left
It’s such a poignant pain
To watch the person you love most
In the world
Destroy their life and yours.
Then to stand there,
Without having any feeling in your legs,
As they cry and cry and beg you not to leave—
But you know you have to,
For the sake of yourself, you have to.
And so you do.
And the only thing going through
Your mind
For months and months
Isn’t the divorce papers
Or the thought of life without this person,
Or the answers to all of the fucking questions people are asking you.
It isn’t the thoughts of your own survival
Or how to cope with your pain
Or deciding when to move on.
The thing going through your mind on repeat—
It’s the sound of their sobs
Begging you to stay.
Disagreement
It feels like
Everyone’s got their priorities mixed up:
Everything that shouldn’t be a big deal
Is one,
And
Everything that should be a big deal
Isn’t,
And once you realize that,
It’s sort of soul-sucking.
Drained
every task
seems so much heavier than it used to.
when will I be strong again?
strong enough to not shake
every single fucking time I have
to lift the small weights
of everyday?
how can I cope with the fact
that things have changed,
and the things that once
felt so light now feel like they’re pulling
me
down
so
mercilessly?
R.D.
You are love.
The kind that is gentle
And sweet and thoughtful and profound.
The kind that is respectful
And consistent and secure and effervescent.
And even when I’m an absolute cluster fuck of a mess,
You are love.
Consistence
I’m always so disappointed in myself
For being
So easily
Disappointed.
Not as Strong as Dwayne Johnson or John Cena
The genuine happiness
Comes in spurts
And I grab onto it,
As tightly as I can.
Then I feel the rope
Being pulled away from me
I don’t know who keeps pulling it
But it becomes too great to hold onto
I let it go
And the happiness along with it.
Poems on Friendship
-
Distance
How digitized your voice is
When we are on the phone
Because you’re not here
-
Something a Friend of Mine Once Said That I Think About Often
“I’m 22 fucking years old, and it’s time to start loving myself.”
-
Brightness and Blurry Vision
Drinking and feeling like stars in the sky
The way they’re so bright
Yet everything stays dark.
The way they’re so high
Yet seem like they’re within reach,
The way they’re so large,
Yet seem so irrelevantly small.
Then my friend says,
“Cheers to takis and popcorn and not giving a
fuck about whatever everyone else thinks.”
The Human Condition
I want to work hard
And believe
Like really believe
That I’m cut out for amazing things
And changing lives
And making people believe in
Absolute
Goodness.
I want to believe it so bad.
Rabbit
Allow yourself
To feel your feelings.
So many of us just push them back
So much of the time.
Allow yourself to
Hurt and break and shatter and grieve,
Allow yourself to go down the
Rabbit hole.
And actually fucking feel it.
But don’t go so far down
That you can’t get yourself back out.
Short Poems on Love
-
Short Love Poem #1
I don’t want someone to fall in love
With the idea of
Me.
I just want them to fall in love
With me
If that’s what will make them happy.
-
Short Love Poem #2
Men who fall in love with you at your weakest
Can’t possibly be in love with you.
They’re in love with the lesser version of you
That’s not who you are.
-
Short Love Poem #3
She didn’t
Have a single
Lover
In her life
That had loved her
The way she
Deserved to be loved.
Plans to Swim
It cost me $9 to get a box of tampons today.
Nine dollars to soak up the blood.
Nine dollars to fix one part of a
Multifaceted problem.
Nine dollars to remind myself
That I’m not pregnant
(A woman’s absolute goal in life, I presume).
Nine dollars so that I can walk around
And not get judged because
There’s a red stain on my ass.
But to get judged instead because
I’m in so much pain, I can barely stand up straight.
And for being irritable and emotional,
Of course.
Nine dollars to predict the best and
Worst times to go swimming.
Nine dollars to calculate when I will
Be forced to spend another nine dollars
On mini penis shaped cotton clumps with pull strings.
Nine dollars to assure myself that
I can do anything a man can do, bleeding.
Nine dollars to sit in the shower crying,
Wondering if my heart deserves the exact
Same pains every month, every day.
Nine dollars to remind myself of my fertility and
Absolute lack of control over my body
Whilst men never have to plan when to wear black pants,
Fit feminine products into their budgets,
Buy new panties to replace the stained ones all the time,
Burn a heating pad onto their pelvic area to relieve pain,
Hope to God they don’t seem extra emotional or
Irritable once a month so they can continue to be “professionals”
Let their blood flow nonstop while having to
Work and do every other God damn thing in the world.
People, Promises, and Piss Stains
Let people make their promises to you.
Let them promise they will always
Love you,
Let them promise that they’ll never
Hurt you,
And believe them.
Believe that they believe what
They’re saying.
I’m sure they believe it.
Or else they probably wouldn’t say it.
Most people are decent like that.
But that doesn’t make the promises
Any more real.
Teaching
Teaching is an art.
If you’re pulling straight from a textbook everyday or making your kids sit there and stare at a computer program or workbooks, you’re not teaching.
You can’t color in a coloring book page and hang it up in a gallery, then call it art.
Thank you, mom.
For making sure my body is nourished
Since 1998.
Whether it’s by sending dad
For burritos when I’m in town,
Attempting to cook one of your
Classic dishes,
Or calling and asking about every meal
I’ve had throughout the day.
Thank you for doing things only a
Mom would do.
And for caring in ways only a
Mom would.
Your love for me is gorgeous,
Just like your smile
And the sound of your laugh.
Where Eye Bags Come From
Every day
When you wake up
You get out of bed
And pick some things up.
First, you grab the bag labeled
“The loss of your dead brother”
And throw it over your shoulder.
Then, you grab the backpack labeled
“The trauma of your last relationship”
And toss it over your other shoulder.
Then, you grab the duffle labeled
“The childhood trauma of family drama”
And hold it tightly between your fingers.
These bags are so heavy.
This baggage isn’t the kind that can get lost at an airport baggage claim
Or that I can just leave lying around.
I can unpack and analyze the contents,
But I have to put it all back eventually.
That’s how baggage works.
That’s how grief and pain work.
You have to carry them every single day,
But overtime, you get stronger,
Become like a fitness guru or a “fit queen,”
If you will.
You become strong.
Short and Risqué, Like my Favorite Skirt
-
The Ways We Change
“God damn!”
She said, after a shot of vodka
“Gadam.”
She said, after the sixth
-
Darkness
What it must be like
To be in the dark
And not feel even a little bit scared.
-
Coal
Sometimes
You put so much
Pressure
On something,
Hoping, praying, begging
That it will turn into a diamond
But instead it gets dislodged
And flies across the room.
I Don’t Know What to Call This
Sometimes,
I start to get sad and miss you.
They way you kissed my face all over,
Your hugs when I was feeling down,
Looking over and seeing you next to me,
Your friendship, your love.
But I very quickly
Remind myself
That you betrayed me
And risked our life together
And stabbed me in the back.
The man who made promises to me
Who brought me flowers at work
Who held the camera when I succeeded
Who stuck by me when I wasn’t perfect,
Is also the man who discouraged me,
Who criticized my personality,
Who put me down to feel superior,
Who cheated on me and did horrible things behind my back.
You made me wonder,
Am I complete idiot?
Am I not enough?
Where did I go wrong to lead to this?
What is wrong with me?
Didn’t I love you as hard as I could?